Here's what my wife, Rhonda, said about her experience in losing a child and the hopes and fears of having another child soon after.
May I see the raised hands of you women who remember participating in “Show and Tell” in elementary school? . . . Now I have a 2nd question for you: How many of you can quote Psalm 30:5? The last half of this verse was included in the long list of verses on combating “worry” which we were given last week. “His anger is for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning.” Now let me introduce our family’s newest little “Show and Tell” and our “Shout of Joy.”. . . 7-week-old Angela Christine Blinne.Angela has 3 older siblings plus 2 miscarriages I have had. Hope is 9 ½, Samuel is 7 and Valerie, our full-term newborn, was stillborn a little more than a year ago. When Judy Spaulding called me and asked if I would like to share my testimony, I agreed and told her that the focus of my talk would be centered on Valerie’s death and the Lord’s goodness and blessings in my life since that time.
Valerie Joy was 4 days past her due date on Sept. 27, 2000. That afternoon she died within me as a result of 2 “true” knots in her umbilical cord. When I hadn’t felt her movement for about 3 hours, our family raced to my obstetrician’s office to determine if Valerie was in danger. At the office the OB determined that Valerie’s heart was no longer beating.
Obviously, Rich and I were heartbroken. However, the most difficult part of this experience was our having to bring Hope and Samuel into the exam room and tell them that Valerie had died. Hope, age 8 ½ at the time, was devastated. In a very real sense, she was looking forward to Valerie’s birth even more than Rich and I were. To her, a new baby sister meant “all fun.” My husband and I knew that along with the “fun” comes a lot of HARD WORK. Samuel honestly did not understand what was happening.
We made the decision that I would enter the hospital later that evening and be induced to deliver Valerie naturally rather than a C-section. First, we went home, collected our things and notified some friends and family. Within just a few minutes of making a few phone calls, several of our closest friends arrived at our home to surround us in prayer. Two of these women later followed us to the hospital. This kind of news spreads like wild fire. A number of phone calls from other well-meaning friends and family members before we left for the hospital assured us that we were being enveloped in prayer.
When we arrived at PVH about 9:00 p.m. we were greeted by several more of our women friends and our pastor. This brother and sisters in the Lord wrapped us in love and prayer until almost midnight. They went home to catch a little sleep.
Since medication was not an issue in interfering with Valerie’s well-being, I was administered an epidural at the 1st onset of pain. She was born at 5:22 a.m., Thursday, Sept. 28, a perfectly-formed, whopping 8 lb. 2 oz! (The largest birthweight of our 4 children). Within an hour our women friends and pastor returned to the room to share in our sorrow. One of these women had the foresight to know that we would probably want a lot of photos taken to cherish as memories later. In the midst of our great sorrow, the room became literally a photography studio! I cannot begin to describe the sense of God’s presence and peace which we felt even as we were ALL crying out to the Lord to heal our hurt. Hope and Samuel arrived with the babysitter in order to see and hold their baby sister. All of us—friends included—took turns cradling Valerie until Allnutt Funeral Services arrived about noon and took Valerie away.
In God’s providence, He had blessed us with incredibly competent friends who took it upon themselves to help us with all sorts of details: everything from communication to housing to funeral and luncheon preparation. Even after Valerie’s death, we continued to receive frequent phone calls, cards and meals for over a month.
As I look back on this pregnancy, I can see a number of ways the Lord was preparing me even then for Valerie’s death. For one thing, verse 12 from Psalm 90 which tells us to “number our days” came to my mind often during the pregnancy.
After Valerie’s death, I was flooded with a number of different emotions, including anger at God. I felt angry because I was robbed of having a healthy daughter, especially since I had had a physically painful pregnancy with severe sciatica in both hips. Also, this trial seemed “unfair” because I was already 41 and my chances of having another healthy newborn were slim. But even stronger, was my anger toward the Lord because I was afraid that Valerie’s death would totally destroy the Christian faith in Hope and Samuel which Rich and I had worked so hard to instill.
Yet, as always, God’s ways are higher than mine. Hope has since told me that Valerie’s death actually prompted her to make a true conversion to Christ rather than her faith based on the fact that she was being reared in a Christian home. Do you remember that Samuel didn’t understand Valerie’s death initially? Well, since then he has tried to make sense of the situation by frequently talking about what the angels in heaven are doing with Valerie. (Eg. The angels are taking her to the girls’ bathroom. . . Valerie is sleeping on the top bunk with the angels, etc.) In fact, Samuel’s frequent discussions about angels prompted us to call our new little one “Angela.”
I could tell you story after story how the Lord has shown us evidences of His everlasting love and care for us. Of course, the biggest one has been the birth of Angela less than 11 months after Valerie’s death. Let me take a moment to mention just one story. First, let me say that I have discovered that I can never underestimate the means which the Lord will use to accomplish His purposes.
As part of my healing, I helped volunteer a couple of days a week at the preschool class which Samuel had attended the year before Valerie’s death. I soon discovered that the teachers needed my help as much as needed their emotional support. One of the students in the class was a severely disabled 6-year-old girl who had the capacities of a 3-4 MONTH old. Although a trained occupational therapist had been hired to work with the student one-on-one, I was given the opportunity to “work” with her too. Holding this little girl, massaging her arms and legs and doing anything else with her the teacher asked me to do, helped heal my broken heart more than anything else I did or anyone has said to me.
I am humbled by the incredible support system the Lord has given me. This support has NOT been limited to my closest spiritual comrades prior to Valerie’s death. As in the case of the little girl, some of the best help has come from some of the most unexpected sources,
More than ever, I am firmly convinced that my true hope must be in Christ alone. The death of a child is so horrific that it can bring a sense of utter hopelessness to those who don’t know the Lord. Even in my moments of deepest pain, the Lord has spared me from falling into the abyss of hopelessness. I have complete confidence that one day I will be able to see my little Valerie again.
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